A Rainy Wednesday Night

Does it ever feel like life is going really well and then all the sudden a bunch of awful things hit you all at once?  That’s how I’ve been feeling these last several weeks.  Everything was going great until about two weeks ago and then – wham! – it’s just been one thing after the next.  Last week, a laptop got stolen from the library where I work and technically it was my fault because I made a mistake that led to him being able to walk out the door with it…and you can imagine how well that went over with the library.  I was so stressed out about it after it happened that I couldn’t sleep and then I pulled a lot of hair out.  (Which just made me even angrier…which made me pull more hair!  Such a stupid, vicious cycle.)  A bunch of other random and lame stuff happened last week, too, but the laptop getting stolen was the big thing.  And then this week I’ve had to say goodbye to two very dear people, one of whom is moving to Puerto Rico and the other is going back to Mongolia…and it just really, really sucks having to say goodbye. And fittingly, it’s been really rainy and gloomy this last week too.  I know there are ups and downs in life and that things are always changing, so I’m just having to remind myself that even though things seem dark right now, there’s always a light up ahead.

I completely understand that the things I just mentioned as the cause of my terrible mood aren’t anything compared to some of the stuff other people in the world are dealing with right now.  Right now in Syria and Egypt (and San Bernardino…and probably many other places as well) there are people mourning the loss of their loved ones.  I can’t even imagine that.  And there are other people who have cancer – another thing I can’t imagine.  And I always end up feeling extremely guilty for complaining about my problems because, at the end of the day, I’m incredibly blessed and have so much to be thankful for…but yet, I just feel like I can’t handle everything.  Maybe my threshold for suffering and stress is much lower than other people, or maybe I’d be able to rise to the occasion if I actually had more problems to deal with – I don’t know.  But what I feel right now is just such a heavy sorrow, as if one more thing would absolutely crush me.

It’s not just my own personal problems that bother me, though.  I also worry about the problems in the rest of the world.  All the people in other countries suffering the ravages of war, disease, famine, etc.  All the animals all over the world who are homeless, abused, tortured, tested on, and/or butchered.  Do you know Trump just legalized the hunting of hibernating bears and wolf pups in their dens?  How freaking messed up is that?  What kind of monster has to prey upon sleeping animals and baby animals to entertain himself?  And it’s not like that’s the only case of animal brutality to worry about.  What about puppy mills?  Or killing seal pups in Canada for their fur?  Or the elephants and rhinos being slaughtered for their ivory?  Or the testing major companies like Maybelline and Unilever conduct on animals to make “safe” products for us?  Or just the plain old neglect of family pets?  There is so much pain and suffering in this world, human and animal alike, and it literally keeps me up at night with worry and despair.

I feel absolutely helpless when it comes to the problems of the world.  I’m not a genius who can figure out how to cure cancer or an engineer who can get clean water to all the suffering people in Africa.  I can’t save all the animals in the world no matter how many dogs I take home from animal shelters.  There will always be neglect and abuse and there will always be war and famine in this world.  I know this is an incredibly negative outlook to have…but I can’t help that.  It’s how I see things.  And it just eats me up inside.

I know God is in control and I know He is faithful to us.  I believe He will see justice done in the end, and I just have to hold onto that hope.  This world is harsh and evil and full of suffering – I just have to remind myself constantly that one day it will all end.  One day, He will make things right.  I wish we didn’t have to wait – I want to save all the animals now! – but I’m going to do my best to trust in the Lord and wait for His timing.

God will continue to give me the strength to face each day and the problems they bring, and I know this because He’s done it up until now.  When things feel overwhelming and I just don’t think I can handle anything else, somehow God carries me through.  He hasn’t made things particularly easy for me but He has never failed me or left me.  He has always been faithful.  And it’s because of this that I know everything is going to be ok in the end.

Everything is going to be ok.