Depression, life, Trichotillomania

Afraid to Fail

I haven’t written in a while for several reasons. One – we’re moving into a house! Not a duplex, a house. A whole house. It’s so exciting! I’ve been painting walls and dreaming of decorations and Pinteresting like crazy. (“Pinteresting” is a word, right?) So that’s taken up 110% of my time this last month.

But on top of the excitement, there is fear. I have a legitimate fear of moving into this house. It’s a good change for us: way more room, cheaper rent than what we’re paying now (no joke!), and a huge back yard for the dogs. But for some reason I’m afraid to move. I like our duplex because it’s our home and it’s my comfort zone. And even though there are zero reasons to stay put instead of moving, I’m still resistant to the change. Isn’t that weird, though? Even though this is a good change, I’m still worried and stressed.

I think the problem is deeper than just us moving from a duplex into a house, though. I think – and this is going to sound really silly – I’m afraid for things in my life to get better. Because if my circumstances improve and I have an amazing house to live in and nothing is really lacking, then when I fail I have nothing to blame but myself. All this time, when I’ve struggled with depression and pulling my hair, I’ve had reasons: I’m homesick because I’m 3,000 miles away from my family, I live in a small apartment with one tiny window, the winters are really harsh and I miss the sunshine, etc. I’ve always had something, besides myself, to blame for my failure. But now that everything is working out, I’m running out of “problems.” Now, I live in the same town as my family. The winters are mild and our town gets more sun than almost anywhere else in the United States. And we’re moving into a big house that I’ve been able to decorate and we’re going to have a big back yard where I can meditate, read, and just be in nature. Those are basically all the things I’ve always said I “needed” in order to be happy and thrive and get back on my feet!

So when we move in a week and I still keep pulling my hair and being stressed and having days where I’m depressed for no reason, I will have nothing to blame except myself.

I quit my job two weeks ago. It was kind of at a pivotal point for me; I was really struggling with my Trich, I was panicking about going into work every day and trying to look “normal” with no hair, and there was a lot of family drama going on. (No juicy story, just difficulty getting my grandparents into a care facility and a lot of nasty words and hurt feelings.) Anyway, I just couldn’t handle everything so I quit my job. I’m relieved to have a break and a chance to grow my hair back, but now that’s one less thing to blame for my stress as well! I have no job. Why am I still stressed? Why am I still pulling my hair out almost every day?

I’m terrified of moving into that house and having a comfy, “perfect” life because what if I still, after everything, can’t succeed? What if I still can’t stop pulling hair and being depressed? What if I still can’t hold down a job? What if I still struggle to find my purpose? I’m so, so deathly afraid of that happening. And when it does happen, I’m so scared of everyone giving up on me. I can just hear it now: “You are so blessed! Why can’t you be happy and enjoy it?” and “If you can’t get a grip on things now, you never will.” I know none of my friends and family would ever actually say those things to me but I wouldn’t blame them for thinking them.

Humans are so weird. We have the most bizarre fears and hang-ups. I’m afraid of having such a great life because then if I don’t turn into an amazing, successful person, it will be my own fault. It’s not that I’m determined to be miserable or that I like complaining – that’s not it at all. And I’ve actually been pretty happy lately! But deep down, I know myself and I know, at the end of the day, I will still be struggling with my depression and my hair pulling even when there are no circumstances in my life to blame for it.

Depression, life

Celebration and Sorrow

The library where I work has a large number of transient kids that hang out there during the day.  They use the computers, read magazines, chat with us, and sometimes even help us ‘manage’ the more volatile patrons.  Many of them openly admit to getting in trouble for minor crimes and have no problem talking about the mistakes they’ve made in their past.  And many of these kids (or at least some of them!) are trying to do something better with their lives.

A lot of these kids are only around for a few days or weeks before moving on to the next town, but others have been there long enough that I’ve struck up small friendships with them and even look forward to seeing them every day.

About a week ago, one of these young guys told me he had a job interview at a shoe store in the mall.  I wished him good luck and said for him to let me know how it went.  Then the next day he came back and, suppressing a huge grin, told me he’d gotten the job.  I was so excited for him!  What an incredible step in the right direction!  It absolutely made my day.  I thought to myself, “Here’s a kid who’s been beaten down by life’s circumstances, he’s made bad choices in the past and gotten himself into trouble, but he’s trying to fix things and make life better for himself.”  It may seem like such a simple, trivial thing but to me it was huge.  I was immensely proud and, honestly, inspired.

Today I found out a different young guy from the library had committed suicide.  I don’t know how or why, aside from the gossip that has started spreading around, but it would  still be heartbreaking regardless of the hows and whys.

I honestly didn’t even know him that well.  I knew his name and I saw him nearly every day, but that was about it.  I don’t know where he lived, how old he was, or if he even had any family in the area.  Nothing.  So why is his death disturbing me so badly?  It’s not because I feel a personal loss – like I said, I barely knew him – but more because it’s such a horrible, mindless tragedy.  To think about what he must’ve been going through in the weeks leading up to that night – the loneliness and stress and desperation he must’ve felt – it just makes me so unbearably sad.

It really puts my own problems into perspective, too.  I know that no matter how bad things get, I will always have a support network to turn to for strength and security.  I have a God who loves me, friends and family – even my dogs offer me incredible comfort.  Did this young man truly have none of those things?  Was he really so alone in the world?  I can’t stand the thought of that.  I can’t stand the thought of anyone feeling that alone and helpless.

I think I’ve learned two very important things this week.  (As if such a tragedy could possibly be summed up into a life lesson.)  First of all, we always have options.  When life gets really hard, we can let the darkness win and just give in to it.  Or we can keep fighting back.  I can’t possibly know what that young man had going on in his life and I’m not judging him at all for committing suicide, but I’m saying we can always choose to keep fighting.  Like the guy who got a job this week and is trying to turn his life around.  We have to be strong and keep finding hope and keep working towards a bright future.

Second, your death would affect people around you that you may not even realize care about you.  (Does that sentence make sense?  Do you know what I’m trying to say?)  I can assure you the guy who committed suicide wouldn’t have known me from a random lady in a grocery store, and he never could’ve imagined how much his death would affect me. When it feels like there’s no one in the world who cares about you or would notice if you were gone, that’s simply not true.  There are people who care about you and think of you that you’re probably not even aware of.  So next time you’re feeling alone and helpless, think about that.  There are always people to turn to who want to help.  Reach out to a loved one, a church, or even the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) if you truly feel like there’s no one else.

Life gets really hard and I understand feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.  I feel like that most of the time, actually.  But suicide can’t be the answer.  God created us for a much bigger and better purpose than that.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the dichotomy presented to me this week between the guy who got a job and the guy who committed suicide.  Maybe there are no lessons to take from this and I just have to chalk it up to “That’s life and it sucks,” but maybe not.  Maybe it’s the most brutal life lesson I’ve ever learned from the sidelines.

When life gets tough, get tougher.  Don’t let the darkness win.  There’s always somewhere to turn.  Suicide is not the answer, ok?

(Check out HeartSupport.  They’re an online community focused on encouraging and empowering today’s youth who are struggling with mental health and other major problems.  They focus on the music scene kids but it’s really for anyone.  They are an incredible resource.)

Christianity, Depression

Can Christianity and Depression Coexist?

I’m a Christian.  I also have depression.  And trying to reconcile these two things in my life has been a journey down a road with many potholes, speed bumps, and crappy paving jobs.

In my experience, there is a stigma in many conservative Christian circles surrounding the idea of depression.  It’s thought that if you have your life right with God and are completely in line with His will for your life, then it’s nearly impossible not to be happy.  And if you’re depressed then you’re not trying hard enough – you need to adjust your attitude.  Or maybe there’s some kind of sin in your life keeping you from God and as soon as you get yourself “right” with God, you’ll be happy again and your depression will melt away like butter on pancakes.  In fact, I was even given a book by a well-meaning friend called Happiness Is A Choice.  (I must admit I didn’t even read the book because I was so upset by the title, so maybe there’s actually some really good advice in there… I don’t know!)

I don’t think I have to tell you how hurtful and damaging those views were to me while I was growing up and trying to figure out just what exactly was broken inside of me.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t a Christian because I was saved and I knew I was a beloved child of the King.  It wasn’t that hole I was trying to fill, but a different one.  And nearly all of the input I’d received had me convinced I was to blame because I wasn’t trying hard enough and that I had a bad attitude.  Someone even asked me once if I just wanted to be sad – if I enjoyed it.  Um…no.

Depression is different for everyone.  I’ve heard it described as a lack of emotion, just not feeling anything.  Mine isn’t quite like that.  Mine is a profound sadness that weighs me down, makes my bones feel heavy and my heart unbearably weary.  It makes me feel tired – mentally and physically.  I sleep and sleep and sleep and I wake up and I’m still tired.  I don’t want to face the day – I don’t have the energy or mental reserves for it.  I don’t do a lot of the things I actually enjoy doing such as painting and writing because my creativity just doesn’t come – almost like it’s blocked by a big, dumb ball of sadness.  Some days are worse than others, but even on my best days I still feel the ever-present tug of a sorrow so deep I can’t even really explain it or describe it.  As if no matter how good things get, there’s still so much more to be sad about.  As if I’m treading water for the moment but eventually the weight tied around my ankle is going to pull me down and drown me.  It makes me think about suicide all the time.  Not that I would ever actually kill myself!  But I think about it constantly and wonder what it would be like.  I think about what a relief it would be to just be done, you know?  To not have to worry about this life and all the trivial things we think are important anymore.  To not be burdened by all the suffering and pain and loss in the world.  To just rest and not have to think about things.

Being a teenager and being inconsolably sad all the time was rough.  I couldn’t explain it to my parents.  I thought it really was my fault and that I was a horrible person for just letting myself be sad.  I didn’t realize until I finally went to the doctor halfway through college that depression is a real thing with real, scientific evidence to back it up.  I wasn’t sad and depressed because I wanted to be, I was sad and depressed because my brain wasn’t creating enough serotonin.  I had a legitimate chemical imbalance.

I’ve been on anti-depressants since then and it’s really helped me to be able to function.  I still majorly struggle with depression, but I’m at least able to survive.  The things that felt impossible before I started taking medication now seem difficult but possible.

(I feel like I should add that I’m not encouraging anyone to start medication.  Anti-depressants are all different and come with varied side-effects, and what works for one person might not work for someone else.  That said, they can also be very helpful in managing depression.  If you think you need medication, talk to your doctor about it!)

Depression isn’t a choice and it’s not a symptom of a problem in your spiritual life.  It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain.  While trying your best to have a good attitude and be content can go a long way in improving your mood, it’s not the only answer and it can’t magically make your depression disappear.  Obviously this is a complex issue because temporary happiness and true contentment are two different things (which is another post for another day!), and depression can affect either one or both of them…but I still believe it’s possible to have a great relationship with Christ and have depression at the same time.  We can be completely in line with God’s will for us and still suffer from the chemical imbalances in our imperfect bodies.  In addition to that, I also believe God is ok with us taking medication when we need it!  Christians take Tylenol for headaches all the time, so why should anti-depressants be any different?

I believe with all my heart that God hurts when we hurt and that He sees every tear we shed.  Rather than believing in a God who is disappointed in us when we’re depressed, I believe in a God who walks alongside us and helps us fight our battles.  With Him, all things are possible.  Surviving depression and thriving in spite of it is possible.

Deuteronomy 31:8  “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 42:11  “Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.