Depression, life, Trichotillomania

Afraid to Fail

I haven’t written in a while for several reasons. One – we’re moving into a house! Not a duplex, a house. A whole house. It’s so exciting! I’ve been painting walls and dreaming of decorations and Pinteresting like crazy. (“Pinteresting” is a word, right?) So that’s taken up 110% of my time this last month.

But on top of the excitement, there is fear. I have a legitimate fear of moving into this house. It’s a good change for us: way more room, cheaper rent than what we’re paying now (no joke!), and a huge back yard for the dogs. But for some reason I’m afraid to move. I like our duplex because it’s our home and it’s my comfort zone. And even though there are zero reasons to stay put instead of moving, I’m still resistant to the change. Isn’t that weird, though? Even though this is a good change, I’m still worried and stressed.

I think the problem is deeper than just us moving from a duplex into a house, though. I think – and this is going to sound really silly – I’m afraid for things in my life to get better. Because if my circumstances improve and I have an amazing house to live in and nothing is really lacking, then when I fail I have nothing to blame but myself. All this time, when I’ve struggled with depression and pulling my hair, I’ve had reasons: I’m homesick because I’m 3,000 miles away from my family, I live in a small apartment with one tiny window, the winters are really harsh and I miss the sunshine, etc. I’ve always had something, besides myself, to blame for my failure. But now that everything is working out, I’m running out of “problems.” Now, I live in the same town as my family. The winters are mild and our town gets more sun than almost anywhere else in the United States. And we’re moving into a big house that I’ve been able to decorate and we’re going to have a big back yard where I can meditate, read, and just be in nature. Those are basically all the things I’ve always said I “needed” in order to be happy and thrive and get back on my feet!

So when we move in a week and I still keep pulling my hair and being stressed and having days where I’m depressed for no reason, I will have nothing to blame except myself.

I quit my job two weeks ago. It was kind of at a pivotal point for me; I was really struggling with my Trich, I was panicking about going into work every day and trying to look “normal” with no hair, and there was a lot of family drama going on. (No juicy story, just difficulty getting my grandparents into a care facility and a lot of nasty words and hurt feelings.) Anyway, I just couldn’t handle everything so I quit my job. I’m relieved to have a break and a chance to grow my hair back, but now that’s one less thing to blame for my stress as well! I have no job. Why am I still stressed? Why am I still pulling my hair out almost every day?

I’m terrified of moving into that house and having a comfy, “perfect” life because what if I still, after everything, can’t succeed? What if I still can’t stop pulling hair and being depressed? What if I still can’t hold down a job? What if I still struggle to find my purpose? I’m so, so deathly afraid of that happening. And when it does happen, I’m so scared of everyone giving up on me. I can just hear it now: “You are so blessed! Why can’t you be happy and enjoy it?” and “If you can’t get a grip on things now, you never will.” I know none of my friends and family would ever actually say those things to me but I wouldn’t blame them for thinking them.

Humans are so weird. We have the most bizarre fears and hang-ups. I’m afraid of having such a great life because then if I don’t turn into an amazing, successful person, it will be my own fault. It’s not that I’m determined to be miserable or that I like complaining – that’s not it at all. And I’ve actually been pretty happy lately! But deep down, I know myself and I know, at the end of the day, I will still be struggling with my depression and my hair pulling even when there are no circumstances in my life to blame for it.

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